Jon continues the StarCade series by talking about games about The Phantom Menace.
|The Phantom Menace Games|
|Date||September 29th 2015|
Star Wars Episode 1 lives in infamy. This movie spawned more social outrage than the burning of the library of Alexandria. All of Jon's favorite books were burned up in that! Like a coloring book about mustaches of the former Soviet Union! It only comes with a brown crayon.
Jon introduces Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace on the PlayStation 1. It's rare to find a Star Wars game that is just based off of the movie. The differences include the deformed wobbly pixelly chimp face. The top down angle that the camera is in is vomit inducing, and is too close to the character. Even if you do find out what to do, you still have the nausea to go with it.
A glitch is shown of a character struggling to go through a doorway. Jon is horrified as Obi Wan gets cut to pieces in a fan! Jon likes Jar Jar, at least until he is killed by a firing squad. Most of this game is just traversing the terrain. The game is clunky to play, but Jon has played worse. It is interesting how they tried to make a scene by scene, but it doesn't quite work. The graphics are appealing and the environments are varied, so Jon gives the game a pass.
The next game is Star Wars Episode 1: Jedi Power Battles. Sam Jackson looks like he just saw a spider, and Obi-Wan looks like he's listening to his friend's parents fight during an awkward family dinner. You can play as all your favorite characters, and Plo Koon. He's a creature of the night. It looks and plays similar to the last game, but with a better camera and is more arcade-like. There is some platforming, but is is mostly a beat-em up. Yoda is laughing a lot. Jon is dressed as a clown, and is holding a gun!
There are also some Flash games about the prequels based on Revenge of the Sith.
The first is Jedi vs Jedi: Blades of Light. Jon laughs at the slapstick fighting. Eventually one will fall over like a child. These games look strange because they were used to advertise a toy line, and it looks like they used the figures in stock motion. It's even possible to buy the background with the orange goo!
There is another toy line game for Revenge of the Sith called Scene Bot. It's a movie making game, and Jon puts the figures all over the screen. Jon freaks out, and puts the tapes into a safe, and burns them. They blow up!
Star Wars: The Gungan Frontier is the next game. The characters seem to have rigor mortis. They want to make a new home on the moon. Jon does a spit take.Jon is offered a fish, and doesn't want to take it. Jon plays the game, and is confused as to what he is doing, and is horrified by the menu that comes up. Someone flashes up on the screen, and Jar Jar comes in and annoys Jon.
This game doesn't hold up to Jon's favorite Gungan adventure game, Jar Jar's Jar Jar Jar. Jar Jar tries to open the jar, but can't get it open.
Jon has always liked Pod Racing, and the Pod Racing was his favorite part in the movie. There is always a sense of danger. Your favorite racer could be torn to shreds at any moment! Jon rides a pod racer, only to be horrified when someone is killed in front of him, and is covered in blood!
This leads to Jon discussing Star Wars Episode 1: Racer for the Nintendo 64. Jon doesn't know why they didn't just call it Pod Racer? Maybe because people associate pods with peas. Jon stomps on frozen peas. Watto looks like Gonzo from the Muppets and Jeff Goldblum from The Fly.
The feeling of speed is impressive, and the controls feel tight. There was a large variety of locations and racers. Jon loves this game. There is always a Game Boy Color version, that isn't that good. It has a good opening theme, but the sound during the race sounds like the sound of death.
Jon thinks he is finished, and begins to end the episode, when he hears a tune. He finds a game called Star Wars Super Bombad Racing. Jon is worried. Jon is confused at this game. What's a bombad? Why did they choose Bombad? Jon can't get over this, and tries to find what a bombad is.
It may mean superb. So this game translates to Super Superb Racing. That's pretty impressive. Jon freaks out about seeing Jar Jar. Jar Jar dances to tech music and screams. The Millennium Falcon blows up, and Jon and Jar Jar are floating in space.
[Text in brackets = text not spoken but shown on screen]
Jon: Star Wars Episode 1. A film that famously lives in infamy. And I do mean Infamy. From Gungans to Midi-chlorians, I think it's safe to say this movie spawned more social outrage than the burning of the Great Library of Alexandria. And that was real bad. All my favorite books got burned up in that. Like this coloring book for example, Mustaches of the Former Soviet Union. It only comes with the crayon brown. Better not color outside the lines or else papa will have to go back to a concrete hole in the ground. When people were watching this film, they had to be saying to themselves, I wish I could experience this for myself! I wish I could be there! Little did they know, their wish was all ready granted.
This is Star Wars-Episode 1: The Phantom Menace for PS1...Okay. It's kind of rare to get a game like this, it's not some spin-off, it's actually just Star Wars-Episode 1: The Phantom Menace. And yeah, I pretty much is a scene by scene in the spirit of the movie, but obviously there are some deviations. First most glaring difference of course being the inclusion of wobbly pixelly chimp face. Not that i have anything against that, it's just that your all absolutely bone-chillingly deformed.
Obi-Wan: What is that gas coming out of the floor?
TC-14: It is excess steam from our troublesome ventilation system.
Jon: Hmm, that's interesting because it looks an awful lot like poison to me.
TC-14: I apologize for discomfort.
Jon: No you don't you son of a bitch. This game would of been fun had it not been for the vomit-educing top-down angle that is at a slight tilt and way too close to your character. It's hard to tell where or what anything is, and if you do find out what to do, you'll still have the nausea to deal with.
Jon: Ho ho, oh my god. What is going on that way. Yeah, I don't want to have anything to do with that, Obi-Wan, let's take path number 2.
Jon: Holy shit! Obi-Wan, you gonna be alright, bro? You gonna be able to walk that one off? So, this is canon then, yeah? How'd they get him back together for episodes 2 & 3?
Jar Jar: Mesa clumsy, but mesa still help.
Jon: Oh, Jar Jar. Your so quirky and lovable.
Jar Jar: Follow mesa. You sure doing grand.
Jon: Anything for you buddy, lets go.
(Droids shoot at Jar Jar)
Jon: Oh no, Jar Jar run!
[Jar Jar has been killed]
Jon: So long Jar Jar. He hardly knew you. Before you were viciously murdered by an actual firing squad. In an official Star Wars game for real. Most of this game is just traversing the landscapes of the film with familiar characters. It's a bit slow and clunky at times but I've played much worse. I do find it interesting that they tried to do a scene by scene, but I don't know that it works. Which events happened then, the ones in the movie or the ones in this game? Split timeline much? The graphics are generally appealing for PS1 though, and the environments are varied so... eh, whatever, ill give it a pass.
Next up we have Jedi Power Battles where Sam Jackson looks like he just encountered a large spider, and Obi-Wan looks like he's listening to his friends parents fight during an awkward family dinner.
Woman: I work, I work..
Man: You don't work. You work on your hair is what you work on.
Woman: I don't care about that.
Jon: You can chose from all your favorite characters. Mace Windu, Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon Jinn and...Plo...Pyo...Pyo...Plo Koon. What you don't know who this guy is here, you been living under a rock or something, like, probably he has because he's a god forsaken creature of the night? At first glance, I'm not exactly sure what the difference is between this and the last game, it looks and plays very similarly. But I can say that this one is definitely a lot less disorientating. It's got a much better field of view, i suppose this game can be described as more arcade like in nature? There are some minor platforming elements mixed in but it's mostly just about dismembering your enemies in style.
Jon: What are you laughing at Yoda? Something funny? Something you want to share with the class?
(Coin laughs again)
Jon: Are you laughing at me? So what, i'm funny now? I'm a funny guy just because i'm dressed like a clown? I suppose you think I shouldn't have a gun either!
There also exists flash games about the prequels, I could find any worth mentioning on Episode 1, but there are a few based of Revenge of the Sith. The first one being called Jedi vs. Jedi: Blades of Light
(Shows Obi-Wan and Anakin fighting)
Jon: Ha ha! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to interrupt you boys, I can see you're busy! Obi-Wan! Anakin! Do you not remember your days of friendship? What has brought you to such savage violence? I can't look! Occasionally one of them will fall over like a child and then get back up. Come on guys, play clean, keep it above the belt, don't make me come in there. Well, there is a reason that this looks so strange. These flash games were based on a marketing campaign around toys for Episode 3. To animate this it looks like they posed the actual toys in stop motion.No this thing they're standing on even,in the background, you can actually buy that. comes with the orange goo and everything
Obi-Wan: You were my brother Anakin. I loved you
Jon: While we're already looking at these weird flash games, there's another one that ties in with the toys, Revenge of the Sith: Scene Bot. I think it's actually supposed to be called George Lucas: Special Edition Simulator. Why make one movie when you can just keep adding to the same one forever? Just put...just put that there. One here. More. MORE. It must be perfect. Never clean. NEVER CLEAN. The past never happened, i'm in control of my life!
But I know what your saying. Where's a guy gonna get a Gungan game, huh? well fear not, the Gungan Frontier is here for you.
Boss Nass: Which of yousa will help us?
Jon: Hmm. It's a hard choice, given that both the perspective candidates seem to contracted a bad case of rigor mortis.
Boss Nass: Yousa be needing to know bombad many thing to make wesa a new home on the Moon.
Jon: *spits* The Moon!?
Boss Nass: The Moon.
Jon: Might want to scale back your expectations a little bit?
Boss Nass: Whosa gonna be?
Jon: Oh, come on man, have some patience already. who do I look like to you Buzz Aldrin? This-This takes a decent amount of planning. I don't even know where to start
Boss Nass: Mesa give yousa a sacred creature, holder of much knowledge. The Kresch!
Jon: You know that's alright, I think you can hold onto that, you know i'm not gonna think twice about it. Okay what is going on here. There's the Kresch. Did not ask for him. That's good though. Alright let's-wouh. That guy is bigger than described on the uh, the ledger there. Okay, lets get two of those guys, maybe they'll make a family. Alright what's the Kresch do-oh god! Please tell me that's the only time that happens. Alright, Ronto, he's pretty nice, whatever. Rutiger Tree, very, very, it's a healthy tree. Okay. I do not. I really, I do not know what is going on here. That is, this is something else. Oh, who was that? Oh com on Jar Jar, leave me alone for a second, i'm over here trying to plant your dad a knew moon. Listen, this game is great with all its uh, putting trees down and...Pikobis, but it doesn't really hold a candle my personal favorite Gungan adventure/spiritual experience, Jar Jar's Jar Jar Jar. Oh,shh, here he goes. He's gonna get it. He's gonna get it this time. Ah, poor little guy, he can never get that jar open.
But what about the art of the pod race? To the dismay of some, it played a huge part in the first prequel movie. I always loved pod racing, in fact, i think of all the scenes in the prequel trilogy, Anakins pod race against Sebulba is easily my favorite. Each pod racer is built uniquely for the character designated to it, so there's a very visceral sense of tension and imminent danger that adds to the drama. At any moment your favorite player could be torn to shreds! And that's really what we all want deep down, isn't it? Wow, i can do this all day, it's amazing and-oh god! This is Star Wars Episode 1 Racer for the N64. I don't know why they called it racer and not pod racer, I guess they thought that people would associate pods with peas,and , let's face it no one likes those things. Look at this peas of shit.
(Jon throws them on the ground and stomps on it)
Jon: It's hard to squish the frozen ones, i can't do it. Now i remember, in this game you got to buy pieces from Watto to improve your pod racer. You know. Watto. The blue guy that looks like if Gonzo from The Muppets had sex with Jeff Goldblum from The Fly. Eugh. EUGH! Oh god, get it out of my head. Life finds a way.
Watto: They come here, they look around, they no buy, why nobody buy? Eeeee...
Jon: Say i don't know. Maybe it's got something to do with the fact that it sounds like you're about to take yourself round back and go drink bleach. The feeling of speed they were able to accomplish here is impressive given that it was N64. The controls were tight too. It felt like an accurate re creation of a pod race which, i'm assuming is what they were going for. And not to mention there were tons of awsome locations to race in and a multitude of racers to chose from. I think it's safe to say I love this one. Oh, looks like Anakin won't be making it to episode 2 after all. They also made a Gameboy Color version of this that opens up with a sweet remix of Duel of the Fates. The game itself isn't much to write home about though. Ah,yes. So this is the sound of true death.
Well I guess that's it. That's all of them. Tune in next time on-
(Jon hears music)
Jon: Super Bombad Racing. That can't be good. What is going on here? What's a bombad? I don't know, who was in charge of this? But there are clearly an unrecognized genious. You had like, all the starwars lexicon and you chose this? You went with bombad. Is that some sort of artistic thing you guys have got going on here? Don't want to be too cliché? No, it's all good, really, you guys just keep doing you. No, but I can't move pass this part because what's a bombad? Is it this things Jar Jar's riding on, Is that a bombad? Well, no actually because that's what's known as a Tribubble Bongo. See, I've done my research. I took to the internet to see what a bombad could be after all, and it turns out 'bombad' may refer to the Gungan word for "superb"? So this game's title literally translates to "Super Superb Racing." What can is say, that's pretty super superb in itself. Stop it, come on, why are you looking at me like that?
Jar Jar: Mesa back! Mesa bursting with happiness seeing yousa again! This is very very bad. Oh No!
(Then Jar Jar raved)
Jar Jar: Oops...