For the third episode of StarCade, Jon looks at two versions of Star Wars Chess.

Star Wars Chess
Date June 28th 2015
Series StarCade

Cast Jon, Ryan Burns as Definitely Chewbacca


Jon welcomes Chewbacca to the program. However, this Wookiee isn't Chewbacca, and doesn't even know who Chewbacca is. Jon tells the Wookiee to sign a waiver stating that he is the real Chewbacca, but the wookiee doesn't play along. Jon gives him a "My name is Chewbacca" sticker, which upsets the wookiee further.

Jon smashes the figures that are on the table in front of him, and claims to have won the game they were playing. The wookiee starts biting Jon.

Jon appears in a sling, and his hair is messed up, and his face is bruised. Jon wants to take responsibility for how much of a loser the wookiee is! The wookie tells Jon that he looks like a fat Josh Peck. Jon says that this is the last time he will get a wookiee on Craigslist, and doesn't think he is the real Chewbacca. Playing a game of chess with a wookie can be risky. 

Jon introduces the viewer to Star Wars Chess by Software Toolworks. The intro text scrolls by much faster than Jon can read. Software Toolworks must be really proud of themselves considering they put their name in the opening twice, and twice as big as the name of the game. Jon sings a version Total Eclipse of the Heart. 

The chess board looks pretty cool! The board is full of everybody's favorite characters. Except Han - he has to be dead in the background until Luke stops playing and saves him!

Chewbacca moves VERY slowly across the board. After another character moves so slowly, Jon turns into a skeleton. The game is so slow! The battle animations appear to be like Battle Chess, but it would take too long to see it all, so he decides to switch to the Sega CD version which actually functions like a real game.

This version is much faster paced, but the graphics aren't as good. However, the presentation is better. There is a curtain call where the characters are introduced. Jon chuckles as Darth Vader is introduced as a queen, and walks like a diva! Yoda looks like he has been smoking weed. The board then flies away and flashes into a star. Jon wonders if his does that, and he throws his chess board, and the pieces fly everywhere!

The graphics are notably downgraded in this version. The battles take place on their own seperate board and the game flashes over to it. Jon comes to a halt in the Millennium Falcon. Every combination of characters have their own win/loss scenario! That's impressive! It's also fun to watch your favorite characters die in such unexpected and tragic ways!

Jon shows footage of R2-D2, Luke and Leia dying, and his childhood is ruined. Yoda gets turned into goo! It's so weird seeing these characters being killed in such weird ways. C3PO usually wins by being an idiot, and Jon wouldn't have it any other way.

Jon tries to move Obiwan on the board, but he finds that the pieces are stuck on the board.