[Text in brackets = text displayed on screen, spoken or otherwise.]
(Text in parenthises = actions not spoken or displayed in text.)
Jon: Like glass stained forever red, it's the mind that won't let go. But how do you forget a face? Especially one like that.
(Jon looks at an open locket featuring Dex Dogtective's face.)
Jon: I... can't forget.
(A subway train drives past Jon.)
Jon: That. Was. Louder than I was expecting, I'm out of here!
(Jon walks into a store and picks up a Foodfight! DVD.)
Jon: Oh my god, sir. This is amazing. How long have you had this?
Store Clerk: One million year.
Jon: I'll take it!
(Jon gets back to his house.)
Jon: What is this movie?
(Jon opens the DVD case only for Charlie Sheen's head to pop out.)
Charlie Sheen: Dying's for fools!
(Jon is startled and drops the case onto the floor. Sheen's head jumps from the DVD case onto the TV screen.)
Charlie Sheen: I am on a drug, it's called Charlie Sheen!
(Sheen's head turns the TV screen on to the Foodfight! logo.)
Jon: Oh no! No, I-No, I know what this is! I thought they canned this thing over a decade ago! Well, sit tight, ladies and gentlemen, 'cause we're about to have ourselves a foodfight.
This ill-fated film was the brain child of Larry Kasanoff. It came out in the year 2012 and it features an all-star cast including Charlie Sheen, Wayne Brady, Hilary Duff, Eva Longoria, and even Christopher Lloyd. There's only one catch here. The film was supposed to come out in 2003! In late 2002, all of the film's files were reportedly stolen. In what was quoted, "an act of industrial espionage". An entire movie - right down the drain. At this point, some people would give up. They'd say, "That's the breaking point. We tried, team. Good job. Round up next week."
But not Larry Kasanoff, he was not one to accept defeat willingly. The next 10 years of this film's production cycle are shrouded in mystery. But one thing is known, they spent all of it trying to bring this film back to life like some sort of proverbial Frankenstein's monster. Perhaps it was because it meant so much to them or perhaps it was because the believed in it with hearts and minds. Or maybe it had something to do with them sinking $65 million into it. Ladies and gentlemen of planet Earth, you can't make this shit up. I introduce you to Foodfight!, the worst animated film of all time.
This movie takes place in your average American super market, dubbed Marketropolis... Market. Oh, off to a good start already.
Mr. Leonard: Just closing up. Nothing much happens around here after dark.
Jon: Now that is exactly what someone would say is something much DOES happen around here after dark. And much it does happen. After dark, the super market transforms into a... city? I'm pretty sure that's what happens, you got a better answer? The first shot of this movie is just an unbroken constant barrage of information. It's introducing all of these characters, but none of them do or say anything significant. What's this? Who's this? Why is this happening? Oh, he's gone. Was that our main character? I guess he doesn't wanna be here either.
Maybe the main character is this terrifying dancing elephant, or this king frog, or maybe it's his farts, or maybe... is that Mr. Clean? Did Mr. Clean just show up in my movie? Okay, let me get this straight. We are 2 minutes and 39 seconds into this movie, we haven't even seen the definitive main character yet, and Mr. Clean has already rolled up to the party and the SPENT THE JOKE ABOUT HIM GETTING DIRTY ALREADY! CH! GAH! WHY!
(Cut to Jon aggressively fiddling with his TV remote.)
Jon: C'mon...c'mon... Come on, come on, oh goddammit.
(Jon flips the remote over to reveal it has no batteries.)
Jon: How do I turn this shit off? How do I turn this shit off?
(Jon spots and pulls the plug from the wall, turning the TV off. He then plops down on his loveseat to relax.)
Jon: Sweet release.
(The plug suddenly jumps back into its socket, and the movie continues.)
Jon: NOOOOOO! So here we finally meet our main character, Dex Dogtective, voiced by Charlie Sheen.
Dex: Listen up, FatCat Burglar. I'm giving you one last chance to hand 'em over before I cash in your coupons for you.
Jon: So good to hear that voice coming out of that dog.
FatCat: It is you, the great Dex Dogtective, who's about to take a fall!
Dex: If I had raisin every time I heard that one.
(Cut to a small animatic of Jon showing animals and their respective foods.)
Jon: Honeybee... flower. Mouse... cheese. Dog... Raisins? I don't see anything wrong with that. Dex is a crime fighter. Putting a roof on all the acts of skullduggary and mischief. Here we see him working to thwart a catnapping, heph heph heph.
Dex: It's just you and me, FatCat. Now fork over the little guys and no one gets hurt.
FatCat: I'm gonna kill you!
Jon: Wow! We're just gonna go right there?
FatCat: Is that sooo wroooong...
Jon: My god, how do I even approach this? The son of a bitch is falling out of the sky like a goddamn sarcophagus. Light as a feather, stiff as a board! And he sticks the landing!
(Jon shows a scorecard with a 10 on it.)
Jon: That's the only 10 this movie's getting.
Dan: Ah, no worries! You can do it, as long as you got me to help you. Did I mention me?
Jon: Here we meet Dex's best friend, Daredevil Dan. A chocolate squirrel whose main character traits are broken motion capture and making Wayne Brady seem like he's not an actor.
Dan: Relax, bro! We're talkin' about Sunshine Goodness. You could give her Cracker Jack ring and she'd still say yes!
Jon: What'd they film this movie on? Microsoft Kinect?
Dan: ... of the food bank! This... this is...
(Dan begins crying while making unnatural moaning sounds alongside the thick sputtering sound his brown tears make.)
[LITERAL ACTUAL NOISE FROM FILM.]
Jon: (over-amplified) AM I DEAD YET? (back to normal) Eventually we're introduced to the fact that Dex is dating this furry chick over here, voiced by Hilary Duff. And he's about to ask her to marry him. I just, I just wanna point out that this magical melon ball exists on the, uh, top layer of this reality at all times. Well, that's some good sweatshop CGI there. Oh, god, there's something so unsettling about her character. I feel like I have to try to avoid her line of sight to be comfortable. Although it doesn't seem like that's gonna be too hard.
So here's a little something I had to figure out myself about this movie that it is essential to understanding the central concepts in this film! It is never directly referred to at all, not even once. You see, the characters all refer to themselves as "Ikes" because they're all in their own words, "icons" of a brand of grocery store product. Which I guess would explain Mr. Clean from earlier. I don't know, maybe it's a coincidence, who knows. Now, I'm gonna go by "Jack". I'm not gonna tell you why. Figure it out, dick. So, before Dex can pop the question, Sunshine bes a total bitch and walks off into the sunset even though it's completely obvious that he is about to pop the question.
Dan: Don't worry. I ain't like it's the last time you're ever gonna see Sunshine again.
Jon: That's the last time we're seein' Sunshine, isn't it?
[Six Months Later]
Mr. Leonard: May I help you?
Mr. Clipboard: You must be Leonard...
Jon: You know, I'd make a comment here but I'm genuinely worried he might actually have a disability. Alright? And then who looks like the bad guy? Well, I mean, okay this guy a little bit because he's still a bad guy in the movie but mostly me. Mostly Jon.
Chip bag: No one wastes me chips and gets away with it. Brand X will pay. [Arrrr!]
Jon: So wait, the chips can also see and talk when we're in the supermarket reality? When does the city reality become the supermarket reality? Is there a divide here? When does it trasition from the walkin' around to a bag of chips on the shelf? Is this like Toy Story rules or is this like, like The Fountain rules, where there's no rules? Oh, God help us; I think this is Fountain rules. It's been 6 months since Sunshine's disappearance and we find Dex moping in his office because he is an asshole and lost his girlfriend. Dan tries to cheer him up with some good old-fasioned practicality.
Dan: You got a club to run! And you can bet the Copabanana's gonna be...
Jon: His mouth doesn't even sync up. They didn't even try there. What's he doing with his legs? Look at his legs! Why are they constantly moving around like that? It's like if F.D.R. came back to life and tried to show everyone what legs do.
Cheasel: Hehe, well of course I can provide you with a backstage pass to the Copabanana.
Dex: Let him go, Cheasel.
Cheasel: Dex, what a pleasant surprise.
Jon: Oh, f***, c***, a**! Is that a poop rat, is that a f***** poop rat? ... Wha-what, what is it? Am I threatening you? You threatening me? Who's the threat here?
Cheasel: You despise me, don't you?
Jon: Bad touch! Bad touch! Stranger danger! So, after a series of orwellian horrors, we arrive at the Copabanana, the talk of the town club that Dex runs. Oh, yeah, and tits on a bird, too, as well, also. Jacques, close your eyes. This is inappropriate.
Jacques: You monster, let me see those melons!
Jon: Now, that is some dancing that'll get you laid, let me tell you about it.
California Raisins: Whoooooaaaaaaa, I bet you're wonderin' how I...
Jon: Have I been eating too many raisins or is that, uh, the California Raisins? Is that Charlie the Sunkist tuna? Mrs. Buttersworth? Whoa, wait, Mr. Clean is back? This movie is just a giant product placement, isn't it?! Wait a second, even on the front cover, the main characters are taking a back seat to the... product placement. Oh, my god, this is despicable! Is the only reason they finished this movie is because they had the rights to all of these identifiable brand names? Was it for the payout?
Who would do somethin' like that? That's despicable. Now, if you excuse me, I have to blow off some steam with my Hot or Not app. Where you can rate your friends, match up, and even chat! PeanutButterGamer, is he hot or not? Yeah, that's hot. Jacques? Ah, whew, baby. That's hot. Dinosaur bones? Well, I don't know about that. They've been in the ground for a while. Not! Surely, no one actually believed in this heaping molten mess, did they?
Dwarves: We gotta move...
Jon: It's not even really for kids. It's weirdly sexual and inappropriate in places it shouldn't even be.
Lady X: I'm looking for a guy about your height.
Sunshine: It warms my heart the way you love my raisins, tough guy.
Jon: Even the Chiquita banana woman makes a passing comment about her boob milk.
Chiquita Lady: Do I look like the Dairy Queen to you?
Jon: Well, that's just sick, lady. Don't bring that up here, there's kids in the audience. Hell, I'm an adult in the audience and I'm offended. Don't bring that trash here! Oo, mama! Look at this vixen here, voiced by Eva Longoria, whose dashing looks cause a stir in the club.
Jon: We got one! We got one, ladies and gentlemen!
Paul: I'm finally free. What year is it?
Jon: Why, it's 2014. Who are you, though?
Paul: I've been trying to finish this movie for decades! You made it past the 20 minute mark? I can never get past the part where the squirrel shits out of his eyes!
Music: Mr. Clean! Mr. Clean!
Paul: Quick, hide! He'll be coming for us!
Mr. Clean: Ha ha ha!
Paul: Oh, god! It's him, it's him! ... NO! That's what he does! He raises your level of cleanliness to impossible levels of upkeep! Banana split, let's blow this Popsicle stand! Kumquats, I don't know, whatever!
Jon: Well, that just sorta happened to me. I mean, I didn't even participate in that.
Jacques: It was cool, though.
Jon: I don't know. I don't know what's happening in the film at this point.
Viking/Lumberjack: Hooooooo...ahhhhh! Stop it, stop it! Not that hard, ow!
Jon: What is going on? How am I supposed to react to any of this? So, as the story goes on - and by story going on, I mean becoming a fever dream - a line of evil products called Brand X are setting up shop in Marketropolis Market in an attempt to push out all of the other Ikes from the supermarket. Bad things start to happen around town, including the deaths of some of the company mascots themselves. Realizing his town needs help, Dex finally snaps out of his depression and decides to look into things further.
Dex: I still got it. ... Oof!
Producer - Lawrence Kassanoff
Dex Dogtective - Charlie Sheen
Sunshine Goodness - Hillary Duff]
Lady X: Being filthy can be loads of fun. Don't you think so, Dex?
Dex: There are some stains you can never wash out.
Jon: For god sake, work on your aim.
Dex: I wanna know how you rubbed out all those Ikes last night.
Jon: I wanna know how you managed to raise $65 million with this script. What a surprise we find out Eva's character has been running with the Brand X boys all this time. And all she wants is Dex to join her in her evil plot for supermarket domination. Also, she's a nazi... and a Star Wars.
Dan: What the f***?
Dex: They're building an entire army of robotic Exobites.
Jon: What the hell is an Exobite? The lore is rich in this world, lemme tell ya! They expect you to know the source material going in, alright? Study up! It's a matter of respect. So now it seems like they crossed over their supermarket world into the real world? I guess they could match this at will. Like I said it's Fear and Loathing rules, there's no rules! Come on! What is it today? Black Friday? Oh...Oh, god, OH GOD! Real world's horrible! Go back to the supermarket world!
Brand X Lunch Lady: Miss me?
Jon: I've made a huge mistake, supermarket world is just as bad! So, we're like halfway through this movie, I don't even understand how there's another half, by the way, and the confused writers are still throwing new characters at us out of the blue. Such as this bat pervert who has the hots for chocolate people.
Vlad: Is that the enticing scent of rich, creamy, chocolate? Are you chocolate, are you made of chocolate? Really?
Jon: So we're gonna fast-forward a bit here. There are plenty of twists and turns, let me tell ya, but we eventually end up at the climactic showdown between the Brand X guys and the Ikes. And what it ends up being is a 35 MINUTE LONG, ACTUAL SERIOUSLY, 35 MINUTE LONG sequence of a grand scale war between Brand X and the Ikes. Nay, not a war... a...
Jon: Oh, we're doin' this again? Ech, aba-bag of confetti saved up? Oohoohoohoohoohoo! Literally, this goes on, and on, and on, and on! It's just the same shot over, and over, and over, of people falling over, and over, and over!
Lady X: But enough about me, let's kill you!
Maximillus: He won't hit her. Not now, not never.
Sunshine: But I will!
Jon: You guys should have called this movie catfight, heh heh! Because she's a cat, ngngng!
Dan: Oh, look at you!
Jon: Oh, I see: so the hot girl was actually ugly all along! Not just inside, but outside, too! Well, that's a relief because now there's absolutely no hang-ups about hating her. Let's celebrate! Yeah! Ugly people never win; that's the moral of the story, guys!
I guess some things you just never forget. Some scars never heal. I don't even like you, why'd I take the time to put you in a goddamn locket? This is bullshit, I'm gettin' outta here.
[Jon drops the locket with Dex in it into the river]
[CHARLIE SHEEN - GOLDEN GLOBE FOR BEST TV ACTOR 2002
EVA LONGORIA - SAG AWARD FOR BEST ENSEMBLE IN COMEDY SERIES 2005 and 2006
HARVEY FIERSTEIN (Played FatCat) - 2 TONY AWARDS
WAYNE BRADY - 1 PRIMETIME EMMY 2 DAYTIME EMMYS
HOW DID THIS MOVIE HAPPEN?]