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This video has a transcript page. View it here: Food Games/Transcript. |
In this two-parter, Jon talks about games advertising food - in a sweet new set!
Part One[]
Jon is on the phone to complain about the turkey he ordered for Thanksgiving. He got a small horse instead! The horse breaks Jon's Macaulay Culkin head bust. Jon is angry, as he doesn't know what to worship now. Jon has a brick and wonders what he is supposed to do with it. Then he realizes that he is supposed to kill the horse.
He decides to eat the brick instead! He offers some to the horse. Jacques isn't sure how he feels about the Thanksgiving feast. Jon was rated #1 ugliest man in the privacy of his own house. Jon realizes that there is a horse in his house!
Jon is worried about the slaughter that Thanksgiving is all about, and distracts the viewer with a clown (Ronald McDonald)! Jon asks if people really want Colonel (Kernel) Sanders coming up with their ideas. Companies were shelling out money to put their faces wherever they could. It taints the holiday. Thanksgiving is for giving thanks.
Jon finally starts talking about the advertising video games starting with Burger King's Whopper Chase for the Commodore 64. It was programmed by Jesus and was on the Commodore 64. Jon questions everything about the game, and it doesn't make him want to buy a whopper.
Jon pours out a box of cereal and explains that many games used to ship their games with the product, like Chex Quest - a Doom clone involving green goo and remote control. Jon tries to connect the game online.
Then there is Cap'n Crunch's Crunchling Adventure. Jon doesn't think Cap'n Crunch is a responsible character. The captain forces slave animals onto the player, and Jon calls it not applicable to make sure he doesn't get too attached to it. All you do is feed the creatures Cap'n Crunch cereal - to prevent them from developing bones in order to be able to get away! Jon gets showered in Cap'n Crunch cereal. This game is weird.
Jon assumes that the result of this activity is to train the crunchling to a gladiatorial crunchling event. Jon looks at the weird mini-games. He got almost no progress on the first mini-game and becomes enraged! Jon then plays a bullshit game where the crunchling has to race a turtle. If you mess up once, you can't win! Jon complains that the cap'n doesn't think that one mess up is good enough, and Jon shows the All Berries Cap'n Crunch cereal. There is also a Gatorade ad inside this ad!
The next game is a Japanese PS2 game called Yoshinoya. Jon tries to make an order into the game's disc case because he thinks it may be the restaurant's smallest location! So he can't order a large Coke. The goal is to be a worker at a Japanese restaurant. Jon wants to be the boss at least. The game isn't even free! And you can press the square button to pay off your student loans.
Jon moves on to McDonald's. Clowns everywhere! How has McDonald's got away with having a clown as their mascot? Ronald McDonald makes Jon want to call the police. Jon shows a hideous Ronald McDonald toy.
First up is M.C. Kids for the NES. Jon talks about the plot and is confused with how Ronald looks. Jon complains at Ronald for asking a kid for help to find his magic bag that he should tuck away back in his pants that were stolen by the Hamburglar. After the child finds all of Ronald's dirty cards, he'll show him how to get to Birdy's house. Birdy hasn't seen her parents for years. This kind of game didn't work and then Jon accidentally advertises McDonald's and eats a burger. This game is a rip off of Super Mario World. The gameplay itself though is different. Jon can't move onto the next world, and can't find the cards. He doesn't know how to get them. This game sucks! Suddenly, the character is flung back to the start of the level!
Next up is Mick & Mack as the Global Gladiators. Jon isn't sure about the relation to McDonald's. The soundtrack is very odd. The game puts words in Jon's mouth. And it even admits it! Jon is mad about how reckless Ronald is! He was going to buy 10 burgers, but only went with 4! He actually bought 15! The point is, Ronald is unethical. The game is very enthusiastic about being paused. The gameplay is actually cooler than expected! Take off the McDonald's branding and you'll have a legitimate game. The only relation to McDonald's is random arches everywhere. McDonald's corporate must have liked the game.
Another McDonald's game called Treasure Land Adventure is shown. It is weird. Ronald has magic. It looks like a ROM hack! Ronald real humon not faceless corporation.
The last game is Donald no magical World for Game Gear. Jon reads the intro. Jon discusses the horrible character's expressions. What is it with McDonald's games throwing people into worlds against their wills?
Jon suddenly gets a food craving. He demands his slave Grimbo bring him more food. Grimbo doesn't want to obey and curses Jon. Grimbo gives Jon another burger. Jon wakes up after being in a trance. He realizes that he is holding a burger, and eats it. It could be food!
Jon's Magazine[]
Jon holds up a magazine claiming that he has been named the "#1 ugliest man in the privacy of his own home"! This is what the rest of the magazine said.
- What's the point of this?
- Are cheeseburgers making you fat?
- How to feel good
- #1 ugliest man in the privacy of his own home
- [a picture of Jon holding a phone]
- Page 45 How to invent your own Inventions
Part Two[]
Last time on JonTron.
Drama! Jon is an actor in a hospital drama-type show. He has lost the baby...literally! They can't find it!
Romance! Jon admits his love to the woman. She doesn't understand why he would say that, and Jon thinks she is playing hard to get!
Action! Jacques is riding a motorcycle shooting a small gun.
Jon doesn't remember any of that happening!
The next game is Yo! Noid, a strange campaign for Dominos Pizza. An ad for Dominos Pizza is shown, and Jon tries to order a pizza. Apparently, Yo! Noid was popular enough to get his own game. Jon opens a pizza box to find the cartridge inside. Jon reads through the plot and finds the word Major spelled wrong. An "accurate" layout of New York after a holocaust is displayed - but at least Trump Tower survived. The game takes place in the future because Trump wins! The water in the level is disorientating. There are no checkpoints. It's a hard game.
Jon thinks he can win the Pizza Eating contest as he starts biting slices. Jon eats too much pizza. Jon doesn't understand how the rules work and find that it is a luck based game. The pink Noid picks a number and you pick a number too! Pick the bigger number and win! Why would you ever pick the smaller number? The first one to fill his pizza meter wins. I said pizza meter! The pink guy creams on the delivery. But apparently was overdoing it! Jon figures out the rules for the contest: You gotta eat a pizza because you're having a fucking panic attack! You gotta stress eat!
Chester Cheetah also had his own game called Too Cool to Fool. Jon thinks Chester must be the slowest video game character ever! Even the turtle is faster than he is - although the turtle is on rollerskates. The music gets to Jon. Jon shows the unsatisfying running mechanic. Jon likes making Chester hump the ground.
Jon wonders if the Kool-Aid Man has any games. The Cool Aid Man walks in and gives Jon his game. He asks Jon if he wants a drink. He forces Jon to punch him in the liver! Jon punches him really fast as he spills out the Kool-Aid. He said just once! After that fucked up experience, Jon introduces Kool Aid Man for the Atari.
Touching the cherry bombs make the Kool-aid jug fly all over the place. Eventually, Jon gets to a point where he can no longer move. Jon has no idea what is going on, the game just stopped! Jon tries to explain how the game actually works. He doesn't know why he didn't buy the game twice!
Jon then jumps into the next title, The California Raisins: The Great Escape. This game wound up completed, but never saw an official release, likely due to issues regarding the licensing. In it, the titular Raisins are tasked by CALRAB (California Raisins Advisory Board), a group of advisors to go out and do some shit. Jon mistakenly believes "CALRAB" to stand for "California Raisins Band" and is thus confused as to why it's on what appears to be a judge's podium. The game is described, aptly, as a platformer "of the era" which likely means stupidly difficult, unpolished, and obtuse. Perhaps most amusingly, the main form of attack is a projectile that appears to just be pieces of raisin ripped off of the playable character.
The next game is Pepsi Invaders. It's Space Invaders for Pepsi. But the screen says "Coke wins" at the top. Who was this game meant to advertise? You are destroying Pepsi as Coke. The game is nicknamed "Coke Wins". There were only 125 cartridges made and they sell for over $1000. The P never comes down. Pepsi can't even win when it wins!
Jon sees how Pepsi advertises its game. An official scene from the game has some guy on his couch laughing like a serial killer. Pepsi Man looks like a snuff film! There is live action footage as a part of the game. Jon found where it was filmed on Google Maps.
Everyone relies on Pepsi Man to reload Pepsi Machines to help them. You collect Pepsi cans while dodging obstacles. There isn't any music in the levels. Jon goes through an existential crisis about Pespi. Everything in this world is Pepsi. Pepsi is the hero and the villain. Jon loses his mind on a conspiracy theory about Pepsi. Jon orders Grimbo to bring him a Pepsi, but Grimbo is passed out surrounded by Pepsi cans. Jon tries to get Grimbo to wake up.
Someone arrives with a replacement Macaulay Culkin head. He sees all the empty food packages around the room with Jon passed out on the couch. Jon wakes up and explains the chaos that unfolded. The man talks about the true meaning of Thanksgiving. Jacques salutes American mass media.