JonTron Wiki
Register
Advertisement

Video Here ------------------------------------\/   

Titanic_The_Legend_Goes_On_-_JonTron

Titanic The Legend Goes On - JonTron

[Text in brackets = text not spoken but shown on screen]

(JonTron intro)

(Title card shows Jon holding a DVD of Titanic: The Legend Goes On, then cuts to the RMS Titanic growing wings and flying away with the intro music from the movie playing in the background before the card fades to black.)

Jon (VO): I will wait a lifetime my love, for I know you will return to me one day. Every last of the 3500 miles from Southampton to the Big Apple feels like a dagger of infinity, thrust between our hearts. My sweet darling, we were to be reunited once again as man and bride, we were to finally able to escape the persecution of our family's name, but as fate would have it all our hopes and dreams were swallowed whole with you into the ocean's abyss. I could swear it were all a lie and I could see your ship there just on the horizon, the rest have forgotten, but that was so many years ago now, but I have not forsaken you. Oh dear. What's this? Titanic: The Legend Goes On? "A full-length animated feature, based on the legend of the Titanic?"

Jon: Wait, it's just a legend? It's just a silly old legend? I thought it was a real thing, like a real boat with people on it that sank and they died. I s'pose that means my girlfriend's not real then. I guess there were some signs along the way.

(Cuts to a scene where a waiter walks over to Jon.)

Jon (VO): When we were at that restaurant, the waiter, he said, "Why did you order two meals and not eat one of them? You just left it there to get cold." and I said, "Curb your tongue! That's my lady, and soon she will be departing on the great steam liner known as the Titanic that is definitely a real ship in the real world." and he said, "... Wait, what?"

[Cuts back to Jon.]

Jon: She was real to me...

(Cuts to Jon sitting on his couch.)

Jon: Today's topic of discussion; the animated... children's film? Titanic: The Legend Goes On. Yeah, I don't even know where to begin with this one.

Jon (VO): This movie was released in Italy in the year 2000 and for some reason it's based on the infamously tragic story of the RMS Titanic. Of course, why wouldn't it be? It's perfect material for a kid's film. Think of all the funny slapstick situations that could arise here. First Titenic, now this. I'm forced to talk about the Titanic yet again. What can I say, I guess a true story about a bunch of people freezing to death really makes for some good media.

Jon: This of course takes a close second of my other favorite questionably topic youth feature; Beauty and the Trail of Tears, or as it's known in the American localized version Pocahontas. I don't really know what more to say about this. I mean, this film provides a great deal more questions than answers. It's somewhat of a rite of passage to see this for yourself, so, without further ado... let the pain begin.

Jon (VO): As you can see, the man, nay, the legend responsible for this is a guy named Camillo Teti.

Jon: Sure to go down in history as one of El Italiano Primo. Ah he-hey! Y'know what I'm saying?

Jon (VO): What's with these names? Jymn Magon? Okay, I guess it's just a foreign name, but SSSSSS S.C.Ar.l.?

[?]

Jon (VO): Poor bastard. His name was so beautiful before the accident. So much potential.

(The film opens with Angelica and a young brown haired boy rowing the lifeboat with the officer on board, then cuts to the sinking Titanic, with a firework going off.)

Jon (VO): Mm-hmm-hmm, would you look at that?

Jon: They got to the point real fast on that one, huh? They sank that son of a bitch right away.

Jon (VO): So throughout this bizarre first scene, we're shown a diverse cast of characters that I can only assume are from the events preceding this one. You know, like, before the ship sinks. I guess they were just trying to do a little something special here. Little Memento meets Titanic, really bold filmmaking. What sorrow I feel for these characters, so close to my own heart. Red-haired lady. Brown-haired guy. Old Woman 1 and 2, currently drowning human, and of course, 101 Dalmat-

Jon: 101 what?

(Beat)

Jon: 101 what now?

Jon (VO): Pongo! Is that you?! Hey, why save more people when you could save two dogs who'll live for a collective three years after the end of this film? I guess Disney royalty would get you far in this life.

(Next clips show William grabbing on to a rope, followed by an old woman, who is seen in a state of shock, followed by terrible shots of the wood and debris breaking off the Titanic. After, Jon is seen laughing hysterically.)

Jon: Oh my god! Jesus, that's terrible!

(After a clip where William falls into the water with a child in his arms, we see two old ladies, in which one is seen to look like she's laughing and the other is seen smiling.)

Jon (VO): What?! What are you two laughing at, what changed here? I'm glad this man's violent death brought you momentary joy in distraction from the sinking of your ship.

Jon: Maybe they were just enjoying his, uh, perfect 10 here.

(The audience clapping cues after William and the child land into the ocean.)

Jon (VO): It's so weird they just keep looping the same shots over and over and showing things that don't even look like they pertain to the moment at hand.

(A clip shows a close-up shot of Angelica being brought to tears while looking into the water. After this, the movie finally begins with a flashback. Very original.)

Jon (VO): Oh, and it's over. The movie now decides to start for real.

Jon: Hope everyone's ready for some laughs, for some fun. Let's go on this animated adventure together. Maybe by the end of it, we'll be laughing like two old ladies on the verge of death on the lifeboat. Huh? It could happen.

Jon (VO): How can anyone be expected to try to enjoy this movie after being shown that intro? Going into this movie, everyone already knows how it's gonna end, but then they just reminded us in painstaking detail. You want to now have to anticipate all these characters dying, I'm supposed to be invested in them emotionally? Camillo, you just gave me a f-fucking Final Destination vision of all my friends' deaths, you lunatic! So the story begins, for real this time, with the girl we saw in the previous scene on a train opening a locket, which seems to have a picture of herself inside it?

(Cuts to Jon doing the exact same thing she is doing.)

Jon: I'll never forget you... me.

(Angelica closes her locket and sighed.)

Gertrude: Stop moping over that picture. You're never going to find your precious mother.

Hortense and Bernice: Your precious mother!

Jon (VO): Yeah! And for all intents and purposes, I hope that bitch is dead! Serves you right for sitting quietly on a train!

Angelica: You’re wrong. I will find her, and my father, too. I’ll find them both.

Jon (VO): Well, I guess that's that. That came together very well. Here we have the obligatory scene where all the characters and introducers are boarding the ship, although only about 1/3 seem to have any semblance of originallity, if you could call any of this original.

Maxie's Father: What have you got in there?

Jon (VO): What? W-Why are there anthropomorphic animals boarding the ship? And not to mention, every last one of them is based on some Disney or Don Bluth character. No, in fact, just about every character in this film is ripped off from something else. You've got Granny from Looney Tunes, you got a Cinderella thing going on here with the main character, there's the Dalmations as previously discussed, the mice from American Tale, the crow from the Secret of NIMH, Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland, Belle from Beauty and the Beast, and the geese straight out of the Aristocats, and it goes on from there. I just really don't understand where they could have come from when they were making this. Ripping off a bunch of classic cartoon characters and putting them on the Titanic? Camillo, you trying to make some sort of sick, twisted reality show? Camillo, what are you donig, huh? What are you doing to us? What are you doing to yourself?!

(Clip shows Angelica dropping a briefcase on a cat, which would then open with a box and her locket.)

Jon (VO): Oh no, Angelica here dropped her thing.

Gertrude: Oh, Angelica. You really are-

Jon (VO): What a nice man, picking it up for her.

Jeremy McFlannel: Here you are. Let's hope it's a smooth crossing. (Gives a sinister smile and wiggles his eyebrows)

Jon: Excuse me, uh, the fuck did you just say? Do you know something we don't? You got something to say? Why so devious? Wait a second... I recognize that voice. You're not really an old man! (He goes up and pulls the guy's head off.) I knew it! He was the iceberg all along!

Jon (VO): I suppose it's easy pickings at this point, but what's with the jerky animation? Half the time it doesn't seem like the animators knew what they wanted from each shot. It's as if two directors constantly battled about what emotion the character in question should be displaying at any given moment. Not to mention, the downright abruptly timed dialogue.

(Cuts to Bernice holding a box.)

Bernice: This is yours!

(Cuts back to Jon, who catches the box.)

Jon: Oh, thanks. I must have drop this. I-I really owe you one.

(Cuts to Maxie falling off the box onto the bag with his head.)

Maxie: Eee!

["EEEEEEE"]

Jon: Is that all you have to say Italian mouse? I suppose you're gonna forget about A, I, O, and U. It's near impossible to follow what's going on in this movie. I'm not even exaggerating, there are so many characters doing so many things in such a short span of time, I even found myself mixing the characters up for real. The first time I watched this, I legitimately didn't know these two old ladies were different characters. They're different characters! There's just two evil stepmothers in this! Hey, more evil's better right?!

(Cuts to Hector stealing a pin from a squirrels hat. The Squirrel looks up at Hector, who is whistling, and somehow ignored it and went on to the Titanic. What the hell were they thinking?)

[ACTUAL SCENE]

Jon (VO): Oh, okay. Let me get this straight: The crow, he stole the pin out of the, uh, squirrel's hat there, the squirrel noticed and turn around... and then he left.

Jon: And the significance of that... was...?

(Cuts to a scene of the movie where a racially insensitive trio of Mexican Mice are seen wearing sombreros and carrying their instruments. The short is carrying a guitar, the fat one is holding the maracas, and the tall one is noticably blinded by his sombrero.)

Hector: Eh, what's with the costumes guys?

Short Mexican Mouse: We’ve been on tour, senor, and cannot wait to get home, eh muchachos!

(While this scene goes on, Jon becomes surprised.)

Tall Mexican Mouse: For a decent bowl of chili!

  • Note: The mouth on the tall one isn't moving when he is speaking.

Short and Fat Mexican Mice: A decent bowl of chili!

Hector: Mind if I join you? I play wicked bongos, you know?

(We then cut to Jon getting up from his couch and walking towards the three mice wearing sombreros under his lamp.)

Jon: Hey, listen. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you guys uncomfortable. I'll turn the movie off now if it helps. And, if you don't mind me, I'll be over there in the corner celebrating the death of my own innocence.

(We then cut to a seemingly empty room until the camera pans to the left where we see Jon wearing a charro suit while tooting a horn.)

Jon: *toot* Hoy, Papa! *toot* I can still hear the screams, Papa! *toot*

(Cuts to a scene where we are introduced to a guy who dresses like a Sherlock Holmes reject.)

Sam Bradbury: The Vanderplank copper mine.

Jon (VO): Hey, guy, I don't think the captain can hear you. What you're saying is interesting and all, but at this moment, I think his brain is internally swelling.

Captain Edward Smith: Go easy pulling out of the harbour, we don't want to disturb the other liners with our wash.

POPE'S GAY

(Cuts to the RMS Titanic departing the harbour of South Hampton.)

Jon (VO): And away she goes, beginning the most magical of legends that definitely never happened at all, I swear.

(Next, we see Bernice in her underwear sobbing and complaining about her dress, which was ripped and torn with a suggestive tear in it. Avert your eyes, children.)

Jon (VO): In the next scene, we're met with the two evil stepsisters seemingly deciding what to wear.

Bernice: Call her, mummy! Call her at once!

(We hear squishy noises as she pokes through the hole.)

Bernice: This is Angelica's fault!

Hortense: Make her put our clothes in order!

Bernice and Hortense: Clothes in order!

(Cuts back to Jon, a bit confused.)

Jon: Did I stroke out? Did they stroke out? Someone has strokin' out.

(The scene repeats.)

Jon (VO): I didn't do anything to alter that, that's how the movie comes packaged! That's how it's meant to be, it's art!

Bernice: Look at this, all my favorite dress. I want it, I know it's got bigger.

[UNDOCTORED AUDIO]

Jon (VO): So, uh, from what I can gather here, the main storyline is that Angelica loses her prized locket and the search for it... begins? Sort of?

(Clip shows Bernice dropping a glass tea cup on the floor, shattering it into pieces.)

Gertrude: Pick up those bits of broken China at once!

[PIK UP THOZE BITS OF BROHKN CHYNATONCE]

Jon (VO): What kind of sociopathic person wrote this movie?! Who can even get in such a headspace?!

(We see a cutout image of Camillo Teti's head before we then go to the next clip of the movie where Angelica is giving a piece of bread to Maxie.)

Angelica: Go on.

Jon (VO): Throughout the movie, Angelica is seen being nice to the animals around the house, especially the one little mouse. So, the animals like her and elect to help her find the lost locket.

Maxie: How about if she comes to our party, Momma? We are having one, aren’t we?

Maxie’s Mother: We’ll talk to Fritz about her.

(Out of nowhere, Tiger, a Chihuahua, and Geoffrey, an orange cat, appear from the stairs.)

Geoffrey: Just the snack I'm looking for.

(In such fast-paced action, Geoffrey tries to catch Maxie, but is immediately scared away by a large dog named Fritz.)

Maxie: (to Fritz) If it hadn't been for you, I would be now in something else's digestion.

Fritz: (raps) You know there's something you should know, so I'm gonna tell you so. Don't sweat it, forget it, enjoy the show! Workin' all day, now it's time to unwind / Kick back, relax, take a load of yo' mind! Ha, ha.

Jon (VO): What the fucking fuuuuuuuck! There was no hint of this being a musical, and then all of a sudden the dog... the dog here, he comes and starts rapping... rapping hip-hop! Rapping in a style of music that won't... be invented for some 70 years after this scene ends! All set against a modern day midtown Manhattan! Well, listen- listen to me, rhyming dog, two can play at this game.

(We see Jon holding a radio and dancing somewhere in the streets of New York City while "Party Time" plays and all the while showing clips from the movie.)

Chorus: (raps) Party Time! It's Party Time!

Fritz: (raps) Everybody's feeling fine, 'cause it's Party Time!

Chorus: (raps) Party Time! It's Party Time!

Fritz: Everybody's feeling fine, 'cause it's Party Time!

Jon (VO): And also, what... does the mouse say after this all happens?

(We go back to the clips from earlier before the rap happens.)

"If it hadn't been for you I would be now in someone elses di-ges-tee-on"

(Cuts back to Jon wearing a different suit and pretending to be a player on Jeopardy! while the music from the show briefly plays in the background. Notice the $1 below.)

Jon: I'll take, uh, Broken English for $800.

(Clip shows Winnie, who is locking the door. Kirk and Dirk smiles and leaned closer, but their legs gets tied by a lead when she pulls a lead, causing them to fall down. Flopsy sees them groaning.)

Flopsy: We've done it again.

Jon (VO): What? What have you done again? Nothing happened the first time to warrant this happening again. This is the first time I've seen you, I think. What, is it a common occurrence for you to go tying the legs of strangers together on a giant boat? Also, seriously, who are you?

(Clip shows Gaston meets Molly for the first time.)

Gaston: Bonjour, mademoiselle.

(Danny and Kate growls at Gaston as he straightens his bow tie.)

Gaston: Monsieur, may I still her for one moment?

Jon (VO): What? Who is this? Who was that? What's happening?

Fritz: Psst. Watch out for a couple of weirdos, a kind of crazy red-haired cat and someone the hesitate call one of us, more like a bat than a dog.

Jon (VO): Bat? Dog? Which dog? Who's this dog? DOGS?! ON THE TITANIC?!

Jon: She's sinking! The plot is sinking! Quick, hire the emergency writers! (tosses a bunch of script pages out the window, which inexplicably leads to a glacier inhabited by penguins.)

(We cut to a scene where Angelica accidentally bumps into William, causing her to drop the laundry basket.)

Jon (VO): And at long last, our star-crossed lovers meet, and she instantly makes a pose as if she were trying to imitate what she saw someone do on the cover of Vogue.

(Shows an image of someone reading the Vogue magazine with Angelica photoshopped as the cover girl.)

Jon (VO): I don't think she realizes what she looks like here. I think in her head it's looking a lot better.

(Cuts to Jon 'posing' on the couch.)

Jon: PAINT ME! LIKE ONE OF YOUR FRENCH BOYS! PAINT ME!

William: (holds up a large-sized blue blouse, which Angelica was carrying in her laundry basket) I bet you look ravishing in this.

Jon (VO): Woah! Slow down, Romeo, alright? Leave some to the imagination! I'm pretty that's a big-ass pair of granny panties. I don't know that you really do want to see her in that.

(The clip repeats.)

Jon (VO): (as William) Darling, are these your skid marks?

(After helping pick up her laundry basket and holding it in both hands, William places his hands on hers and rubs them before they look at each other’s eyes.)

Jon (VO): WOOOOOOOAH! He's going in for the touchdown! And then she just walks away. Ah, typical, you know? She doesn't even want to be visciously molested. Talk about playing hard to get.

(Cuts to a scene where a Swedish Mouse (actual name) lights up a match and using it to light a candle, which he is holding with his BARE HAND!)

Jon (VO): And just like that, the next scene starts up with a new mouse? I don't remember this guy. He is holding an adorable tiny candle though. I mean, come on, that's got to be one very small candle. Did he get that thing custom-made?

(Cuts back to the mice seen from earlier where Jon hands a cake with a lit candle to them on a small table.)

Jon: Eat up while you can, boys. You need your strength for the Mexican winter.

(Jon pats each mouse on their sombrero with his fingers before we cut back to the Swedish Mouse.)

Jon (VO): I really have no idea who this mouse could be or why we're watching this, so, let's just move on and pretend it didn't happen.

William: I think I must be going a bit soft on the head.

Jon (VO): You're telling me Patrick Bateman Prince Charming has a pea brain? You gotta be pulling my leg, huh?

Angelica: Well, I've never had a proper family, so I've always dreamed of making one, but I don't want to rush things. I have a whole life ahead of me.

Jon: Oh, that's nice. That's real nice. Wait, how does this movie end again?

(Cues clips from the beginning of the movie where the RMS Titanic is sinking and William and the child he was holding fall into the water.)

Jon: Oh yeah. Yeah, I wouldn't count on that whole life thing.

(Cuts to William, who is waving goodbye and walks away.)

Jon (VO): Woah, and he's gone.

William: Excuse me, madam. You were talking to a young lady. How can I find her?

Victoria: I know she often comes out here for walks. Oh, I must go in now, It is-

Jon (VO): Hey Granny, where are you going? You're just gonna bail on the convo? He's still talking to you, he's asking you a question, you can't do that!

(The camera zooms on Victoria where she looks at the camera with a scary sound.)

Jon (VO): Oh my god! Granny's aware of her own bail! She literally looks back and then lumbers away full sasquatch mode.

(The next scene now starts with the sun setting with Angelica watching on as "Holding Me" begins to play in the background.)

Jon (VO): Oh, god no... No, not this!

(William appears and the camera shows him, who is edited by red lighting and a scary sound.)

Angelica: I would have thought you would be upstairs, listening to that wonderful singer.

William: I was too busy looking for someone.

(Scary music plays again as the camera pans on William, again edited by red lighting.)

Jon (VO): Are you gonna say something? You're just not gonna reciprocate there?

William: I don't even know your name. Will I see you at the reception tonight?

Jon (VO): (as Angelica) That all depends if I get unstuck from being in five frames per second.

Jon (VO): So, after this encounter, Angelica goes back to Granny's room and explains how sad she is that she can't go to the reception with the guy she just met because she has nothing to wear. Upon hearing this, Granny offers Angelica her old dress from her youth, which she, for some reason, has with her... on the ship.

(JUST LIKE THAT OTHER MOVIE!!)

Victoria: I haven't worn this since my poor Francis took me to the opera for the first and last time.

Jon: Oh Granny, how heartwarming- wait. First and last?

Jon (VO): Granny, something you want to talk about? Is Uncle Francis... is he alright? And also, uck! I don't want to know what happened in, around, or near that dress if Granny was so fond to that night.

(We hear some squishy noises again as Angelica rubs her face against that dress...)

Jon (VO): Yeah, I wouldn't do that, Angelica. Some o' Uncle Francis might still be on there, if you know what I'm sayin'. Just make sure this ball doesn't have a black light theme.

Angelica: What am I faster mother say? And Bernice and Hortense.

Victoria: I wouldn't worry about them.

Jon (VO): Uh yeah, mainly because I think, uh, no one knows who they are or if they're even in this movie!

(The next scene shows a closeup of a drawer and then the camera pans as somebody is grunting and then the camera cuts that it reveals Maxie's father with a knife while he tries to open the drawer and Maxie saws his father opening the drawer.)

Jon (VO): Oh hey, is that Uncle Francis back from the grave to give Granny one more night of fun? Oh no, it's just two mice with a knife. Should have guessed, huh? Classic.

(The next scene shows an exhaust grate inside a cabin where we see Hector's tail and then the camera cuts to the inside of the vent where Hector and Maxie argue over Angelica's locket.)

Hector: Owner shmowner. It's mine now, and I'm not giving it to anyone!

(Hector's tail comes out of an exhaust grate inside a cabin as he falls out of the vent. Angelica and Victoria sees him feeling dazed. She giggled.)

Jon (VO): (as Angelica) Ha ha! How quaint. A raven fell through the exhaust grate in my cabin.

(The camera cuts to Maxie who comes over and straight up points at Hector about two times before taking the locket out of his bag. The Super Smash Bros. Home-Run Bat sound can be heard twice as Maxie speaks to Hector.)

Maxie: No more nonsense! It's hers! Put it around her neck!

Jon (VO): (as Hector) Alright! I can see you're serious! Just leave me and my family out of this!

(Hector then flies over Angelica and drops the locket on her for the perfect landing. The camera then cuts to Maxie looking up at her.)

Angelica: Thank you.

(Angelica removes Maxie's hat from his head and kisses him on the forehead.)

Jon (VO): Oh, what are you doing? You're gonna get a disease! This is how the Black Plague started!

(Angelica holds Hector and then is edited by a monster eating sound effects with blood splattering effect. The camera cuts to Angelica opening her locket for the second time.)

Angelica: Are you sure this is a photograph of my real mother?

Jon (VO): What? You weren't sure? I think this is one of those things you got to be sure about.

(The next scene shows in a dining room, where Sam Bradbury who dresses like some person with a pipe.)

Waiter: Hey, this isn't third class.

Sam Bradbury: Shh. Detective Bradbury, New York Police Department.

Jon (VO): Who the fuck are you?

Sam Bradbury: I'm here incognito, on a special assignment. I'm gonna catch the suspects red-handed. Get it?

Jon (VO): No!

Molly: Somebody broke into my cabin and stole the locket, but that's all they took.

Unnamed character: Excuse me, I couldn't help hearing what you said.

Jon (VO): Bro, what's with the red hair and black beard combo? Not a good look for you. Once again, who is this and why?

(Unnamed character is about to sneeze, then is edited by red lighting and a scary sound and then it goes back to normal as he sneezed.)

Kirk and Dirk: Bless you.

Unnamed character: Oh, uh, thank you. Thank you.

Jon: I'm sorry, I'm just a little embarrassed of my sneezes. I think they make me look like a- little scared boy.

(In the next scene, we see William sitting at his table looking a bit down as we transition to a flashback to all the times they've been together. Wait, a flashback within a flashback?!)

Jon (VO): Wow, it's beautiful. The song that plays about them is already in total longer than the amount of time they've actually spent in each other's presence.

(The next scene shows Molly singing "Holding Me", and then the camera is closeup to her face and then it's edited by red lasers on her eyes like Superman with laser sound effect.)

Jon (VO): I'm not sure what's going on here, but the guy in the black hair is taking some sort of issue with Angelica, and then he comes up and straight up points to her tits for like 10 seconds. Realistically, I think he was trying to save her from the clutches of Jack the Charming.

(The camera zooms into William's face with a scary music and then is edited by a effect fades into a red lighting.)

Molly: Now I know who stole my locket. It was that girl!

Gaston: No no, I don't think it was her.

EEGHLEEPOSSIBLEQUE

Jon (VO): Oh, w-what was that?

(The camera then cuts to Stockard, the First Class Officer on the Titanic.)

Stockard: Perhaps the locket is back with its rightful owner.

Molly: What does he mean by that?

Jon (VO): Yeah, what does he mean by that?

(We hear some strange noises as Molly slaps Gaston and then we hear some strange noises again as Stockard grins and then camera is closeup to his face.)

Angelica: No. You know nothing about me.

Jon (VO): Nothing? W-What do you mean? I don't- Oh wait. No, you're right. I do know absolutely zero about you besides your name. I-I don't even think I know your name. You didn't tell me, you just walked away. Maybe we should just call this whole thing off or at least think it through.

William: Nothing you could tell me could prevent me from loving you.

Jon: Even if I were to say something like, uh, reject all your sexual advances?

(The next clip shows William and Angelica beginning to kiss and then the camera is closeup to them as they kiss with a squishing noise that is heard one final time. If you look closely, Angelica is missing her green gloves. The camera then cuts to the characters in order as seen: Jenny, Victoria, and the animals.)

Jon (VO): Oh yeah, okay. No, I can now see that that is not going to stop you either. What's going on here? How'd everyone get to a vantage point to watch this all at once? Nobody noticed they're being watched here? And they lived happily ever after... as skeletons at the bottom of the ocean.

(The next clip shows Bernice, who looks under her skirt and sees Maxie, who is jumping. Gertrude, Bernice, and Hortense sees Maxie jumping around. She screams. Maxie stops jumping and scares Gertrude, Bernice, and Hortense by making faces at them. Bernice jumps away from Maxie and stands on a chair, but then realized that she is fat, causing the seat of the chair to broke when she falls.)

[ACTUAL]

[FUCKING]

[SCENE]

(Cuts to Jon with a look of fear in his eyes.)

Jon: Why is life pain?

(The next clip shows Maxie, who is doing an OK gesture on his hand as he closes his mouth, while smiling and winks.)

Jon (VO): Eyyy! Everything went perfectly to plan! What a perfect scene, am I right? 10 out of 10! Okay, I think we're done with the worst of it. Love interest kissed, everything's falling into place, the movie's gotta wrap up at some point now.

(The next clip shows a trio of Mexican Mice, who are playing their instruments.)

Mexican Mice: (singing) If you’re feeling gusto / There’s something that you-

(Cuts to Jon attempting to shoot himself with a handgun, but to no avail.)

Jon: Come on. Come on, baby, I just want out.

(Cuts back to the trio of Mexican Mice.)

Jon (VO): Hey, at least it makes more sense than hip-hop dog in terms of time period.

(Cuts to the scene where the RMS Titanic finally approaching to its end.)

Jon (VO): Oh no. Well, this is getting sinister. I've got a bad feeling about this.

(Cuts to the two characters on the lookout.)

Unnamed Lookout: Look at that!

Lookout Fredrick Fleet: What, you never seen this before?

Unnamed Lookout: That's not just ice!

(Cuts to a shot of Lookout Fredrick Fleet looking up ahead as the camera zooms in on him, then it cuts to Jon holding the mini binoculars.)

Jon: Well, let me just get in focus here...

(Cuts to the closeup shot of the iceberg before cutting back to Jon.)

Jon: DEAR GOD, IT'S AN ICEBERG!

(Cuts back to the same clip, now not closeup.)

Lookout Fredrick Fleet: Hello! There's an iceberg right in our path!

Jon (VO): (edited speaking from the phone) Who is this? I told you to stop calling this number!

(Cuts to the scene, where the flood of water breaks inside of RMS Titanic, and is repeated 4 times.)

[UNDOCTORED FOOTAGE]

Jon (VO): So, finally, the iceberg hits, general mayhem ensues, and all the characters scramble to reach the boat's exit.

(The next clip focuses on William... running slowly?)

Jon (VO): Yeah buddy, save that energy, don't want to expend it before you get rowing.

(The next scene shows people scramble to reach the boat's exit. At outside of RMS Titanic, Gaston sees Molly still singing "Holding Me" as the flute player and violin player are playing "Holding Me".)

Jon: Ay yai yai, what a shit-show.

Jon (VO): (as "Nearer My God To Thee" plays) What horror I witnessed that day. Surely I will never forget it for as long as I live.

(Cue footage of the ship flooding as "Party Time" blares in the background.)

Jon (VO): Wow, I can't believe it. This movie's finally drawing to a close.

(Cuts to the scene where William tries to escape.)

Jon (VO): So William, the love interest, breaks a window with a wicker chair somehow and escapes the ship.

(William throws the wicker chair at the window, shattering it into pieces, allowing him to escape.)

[PHYSICS!]

Jon (VO): All the while, Angelica seems unaffected by his suspected untimely death.

Angelica's mother: Do you still have a picture in a locket?

Angelica: Yes.

[YIS.]

Angelica: Ever since my mother put it around my neck as a baby.

Angelica's mother: And then left you because she was forced to.

Angelica: Mother?

(Cuts to Jon, who is disappointed with the turn of events.)

Jon: God, no. Please, no.

[YIS.]

(Cuts back to the scene where Angelica finally founds her real mother.)

Jon (VO): Oh yes, all along, this woman was Angelica's mother. Hooray, she's been found! Oh, but her dad she said she'd find?

(Cuts to the scene from the beginning of the movie.)

Angelica: And my father, too. I'll find them both.

(Goes back to the family reunion scene.)

Jon (VO): Nah, he's dead still, or missing, or worse dead AND missing! But hey, at least she found her mom.

Victoria: Look, over there! (points out to a man resting on a crate) It looks like someone in the water.

Jon (VO): Oh my god, there he is. Just in the nick of time!

(Cut to the lifeboat having reached the frozen body. Angelica shakes the body before briefly cutting to Jon, who looks on. Angelica then turns the body over to reveal Sam Bradbury, unconscious)

Angelica: (disappointed) It’s not him.

Jon: Ah, false alarm! It's not William. Throw him back.

Jon (VO): Are you serious? It's the detective with the red hair and mismatched beard from earlier? So the only literal reason for that character existing was for this one gag at the end of the film; the Bait and Switch. I bet the writers really patted themselves on the back for this one.

Male Passenger: Hang on!

Angelica: It's William!

Jon (VO): But then, in a joyous twist of fate, William is recovered.

Angelica: Darling! It's me, Angelica!

(Angelica gasps as William goes back into the water.)

Angelica: Where is William?

Stockard: Look at that!

Jon (VO): "Where's William?" What, you have the brain of a baby? You don't got object permanence yet? The moment he's out of sight, he's just woosh, he's just gone from your reality.

Angelica: Please!

Jon (VO): Please... what?

Angelica: Open your eyes.

Jon (VO): Oh, okay...

(William slowly opens his frozen eyes; from his point of view, Angelica appears blurry.)

Jon (VO): No, nevermind! Close them! Throw me back!

(The next clip shows Angelica and William kissing in front of the sunrise while standing on a lifeboat.)

Jon (VO): And on that day, they lived happily ever after. But just then, it was honestly pretty terrible for just about everyone else. Most of them perished, but at least the Mexican mice live.

Maxie (VO): Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Where are you going? The movie isn’t over yet!

Jon (VO): What? No, no! Come on!

Maxie: Don’t you want to know what happened to everybody? We're

Jon (VO): No, no. You can't be serious. There's a "Where Are They Now?" segment?! I'll tell you where they are now, AT THE BOTTOM OF THE FUCKING OCEAN, ARE YOU CRAZY?!? But this isn't even the only Italian animated Titanic film that features talking mice, (The poster of The Legend of the Titanic is shown) the other being called The Legend of the Titanic. THE LEGEND... OF THE TITANIC! (Footage of The Legend of the Titanic is shown) Did Italy just missed the news that day? It was the day the world's biggest meatball was made, and the Titanic sinking was just a footnote right at the bottom!

Jon (VO): (In 1910-era garb drifting afloat on a door with a DVD with some tape attached to a rock in his hand) It looks like I need to... lay her to rest once and for all so we can all move on.

Jon: I'll never let go... of what you've done to me, that is, which is quite a lot, really. You're a terrible, terrible thing—to the depths with you.

(Jon tosses the movie into the water and rests peacefully.)

(Suddenly a diver wearing modern sophisticated diving equipment swims up and hands Jon the movie case again.)

Diver: Hey, you dropped this.

Jon: (forcefully pushing the diver back down) OH MY GOD, BACK— BACK TO THE OCEANS!

Sponsorship/Outro[]

Jon (VO): Thank you so much for watching.

THIS IS UNFINISHED! DO NOT TAMPER WITH, PLEASE!

Advertisement