This is a review JonTron did of a variety of Bootlegged Pokemon games.
|Bootleg Pokémon Games|
|Date||February 15th 2014|
|Cast|| Jon, Jacques, unknown cameraman
In this episode, JonTron plays a bunch of un-licensed games based on the popular franchise, Pokémon, which are mostly on retro systems.
He takes a look at "Pocket Monsters", which was apparently made in 2000. Jon tries to leave when he sees Pikachu appears on the screen falling terrified into the level. Pikachu walks weirdly, and most of the Pokémon that appear just aren't Pokémon. The continue screen looks like a PSA for abused Pokémon. There aren't even any checkpoints throughout the levels.
He then plays "Pokémon Stadium" for the SNES, which has twelve playable Pokémon with weird names.
This is followed by "Pokémon Adventure". The opening moments of the game is confusing with an unkillable enemy. Also, Pikachu moves like Sonic because this is a hack of another hack, Sonic Adventure 7.
He then plays "Moemon", which is just a regular Pokémon game, only with girls in Pokémon costumes rather than the Pokémon themselves. In "Pokémon Diamond and Jade", the game seems to be obsessed with cell phones rather than Pokémon. Jon attempts to translate the title of the game it is a hack of, but can't translate the last word.
One of Jon's favorites is "Pokémon Vietnamese Crystal", a poorly translated game makes it funny, and Professor Oak wants everyone to call him 'Elf Monster'. Jon makes a few jokes about the strange ways the game tells the player to set the time, and is mocked for sleeping in.
Finally, Jon plays "Pokémon 4in1". It has three games with 'Pika' as the title, and 'Pacman'? Pikaclick is a game about matching blocks, Pikaslot is a stupid slots game, Pikadance is a DDR clone, and Pacman is, well, Pacman.
Jon goes to leave, when suddenly the Lavender Town music plays. A Pokémon game where the Pokémon die instead of faint flies into his hand. He tries to play it, but a Haunter appears on the screen and sucks him in.
[Text in brackets = text not spoken but shown on screen]
Jon: Pokémon! A series dearly beloved by many. Few games can claim to harness its gravitational pull. This golden goose has sold millions upon millions of copies, spawned countless varieties of merchandise, and touched multiple generations of kids and adults alike. How many franchises do you know that bridge the generational gap?
Now, I know what you're probably thinking to yourself, why are you telling me this? I've played 'em all. I've been to 'em all. I've been to Kanto, Johto, Ancho, Habanero, Pablano, Antonio Banderas. I've swung 'em all, sister. Swung with the best! But you ain't never seen the likes of this. That's right. With every big fish, there's a leech on the belly. Today, we're gonna have a look at the fascinating world of bootlegged Pokemon games. Now, these aren't games you can find in stores. They're games that made their way into circulation one way or another. None of them are licensed or acknowledged by Nintendo and they're pretty damn hard to find.
First off, let's look at what's known as Pocket Monsters. It's inferred that it was released in the year 2000 by DVS Electronics. Because on the box art there are two small icons reading "New Game" and "2000". Hey, it's not empirical science but what can I tell ya, I'm a simple man. It's strange, the label on my game says "Pokémon Pikachu Edition" which first off isn't even the name of the game at hand, but if you peel back the label, there's another label that says "Picachu" and it's spelled wrong? What is this game? Who made it and why? Look at this Pikachu. Seriously, is it any wonder why he's so popular? Even when he's half-assed and bootlegged he still melts my heart. I can feel the money loosening from my wallet already. He's like, heh, he's all like, "Fuck you." ... No, I... I, can't. Alright, I just... I gotta leave.
Cameraman: But, Jon, we just started. Come on, man.
Jon: Listen, listen. There's a lot to see in this life. Not wasting it here.
Well there's a shocker for you. 5 seconds into the game and it's already like pbfrdst$^&*#@. Look at his arms flailing. Even he's confused and terrified. Hey, I'm not blaming him! I would be, too! Listen to this music, this is not Level 1 music.
(upbeat, fast, tense music is playing)
Jon: Talk about putting the player on edge right away. This game is extremely hard to play. When Pikachu jumps, the entire game lags. Every... single... time! But then when you just want to go forward he speeds up like a power walker with a New York minute to spare. So, It's like you're constantly in a battle between game speeds. It makes the platforming real difficult right off the bat. Also, can we take a minute to talk about the fact that Pikachu has the face of a, uh, balding middle-aged man? Curly Howard, is that you? Did you come back? Did you come back from the ground mausoleum?
Even more ridiculous than that is his walk cycle. I mean look at that thing! Coupled with the music it's like a vaudeville act in here. Maybe it really is Curly, because I mean he started as a vaudeville act back in 1925. But that's not that funny, though, 'cause they're all dead. I thought they were supposed to be funny. It's so bizarre to see a Pokemon game actually playing on my SNES.
Ah, this game is like a breath of fresh air because it showcases all of the Pokemon we've come to know and love over the years. You can see Beedrill, Porygon, Monkey, Mario Dinosaur, Poop, Abomination. What is this? Is this what happens when illicit Pokémon breeding goes unchecked? I'm looking at this from every goddamn angle there is, I can't tell where it starts and where it ends. Well, it's got a pinecone for a body, it's, uh, wearing a fez, and it's got that one staring, unblinking eye that reminds you that this creature lives in never ending, ceaseless agony. Oh, by the way, this game's pure bullshit.
You can never see what's below you, so you always have to take leaps of faith that more often than not lead to your untimely demise. And it doesn't even matter how far you get. There's no checkpoint. So, if you die, it's straight back to the beginning. When you drop back into the game after a death, that's you! That's an accurate representation of you saying, "No! Don't put me back in! Please!"
The continue screen looks like a PSA for abused Pokémon. To me it's as if he's laying there, wounded and light, and a Poké Ball rolls up to him an Ash says, "Keep going, Pikachu. Or it's back in the ball for you." Ngh! Mn! No, I don't want it! Auugkck! Pff, shet! I finally beat the first level. The boss is a Snorlax. It's pretty energetic for a Snorlax, wouldn't you say? So, the beginning of Level 2, you just see Ash say, "It's hot."? ... Oh, he's coming. ... Any minute now. ... Oh! There he is! Okay! Byoutiful. Oh, by it's hot, he meant literally, it's a fire level. Thanks for looking out for me, Ash. I really appreciate it. ... Ech! Ugh! That's disgusting! What is that? Is that rancid? Is that a tap dancing crab demon? Is that nightmare? Is that true nightmare?
Strangely enough, there's another SNES Pokémon game. It's a port of Pokémon Stadium for the N64 it looks like. The biggest difference being that theres a predetermined roster of 12 Pokemon. Mm, don't those names look strikingly familiar? Who could forget Spia? And Dagut. And... Raif.
Vileplume: Raif! Raif! Raif! Raif! Raif! Raif! Raif!...
Announcer: Massive damage!
Jon: It is a fully fledged game. There's not much to say about it. I'm just baffled that it exists at all.
Next up is Pokémon Adventure for the Game Boy Color. Ah, man! This one looks great! It looks like a game Nintendo actually could have made. Let's do this! I'm ready to go on this balloon based adventure with Pikachu!
(Jon begins playing)
Jon: Wha- What's happ- ah- no- goddamn- FUCK! Can't I just have break? Can't I just have one break? I'm not playing this up, okay? These were my actual first moments with the game. Complete confusion. You know, this game sets up a certain special scenario for you. It says, "Welcome to the game." That's the one thing you can see. Fuck you. This is clearly a platformer, why is the first enemy unkillable? Is it just a way to condition me for the journey ahead?
Something you might notice is that Pikachu jumps like Sonic. He's even got those super fast spinny feet when he runs like in Sonic 2. Oh, hey! He even charges up in a - in a ball like... Sonic... the hedgehog. Yep, that's Son- that's Sonic. It's So- IT'S SONIC! It turns out that this is a hack of an existing hack for the Game Boy Color called Sonic Adventure 7. Yeah...what happened to 3 through 6? Do you even realize what this means? Ladies and gentlemen we are playing what could be the world's very first double hack.
(Jon starts typing on two different keyboards at the same time)
Jacques: Warning, Jon. You are in danger of reaching hack capacity.
Jon: Next one up's a bit weird. It's called Moemon. Ehhh, this one's weird. I don't know what to say about it. It's Pokémon with little girls, uh. I mean, it's very obvious that a lot of, uh, care and passion went into making this. I mean, you can actually tell which Pokémon is which by looking at those beautifully crafted sprites. But...why??? Do you realize that for this to happen someone had to sit down, look at Pokémon, and say, "You know, this is great, but it needs more little girls. I'm gonna go downstairs to my basement, now, next to my little girl dungeon and program this game." Welcome to planet Earth, ladies and gentlemen.
The next two games I want to talk about are Pokémon Diamond and Jade. Huh, I guess someone beat Nintendo to the punch with Diamond there. But, oh, this is not the Diamond version you're thinking of because that would be a time machine. And I know you don't have any of those laying around. In this particular instance we know Diamond is better than Jade because Jade has a goat demon on the box and look at the... just look at the eyes. I think there's feeling behind those eyes. Feeling a bit of a... a bit of a chill. Sorry, I think maybe I'm starting to feel ghosts or somethin'.
Um, I just want to point out that the beginning of this Pokémon game there's a, um, armadillo on a cell phone! I mean, presumably just trying to get reception in this forest because, let's face it, there's not much reception out there. Hoho...hold on a second. Talk about rockin' out with your cock out. I bet you $50 that's the guy who made Moemon back there. That's Mr. Moemon. This game is taking something completely fantastical, the world of fantasy monsters, and bringing it down to the most mundane level. He's like, "Did you remember to pick up the baking soda?" So this games has some weird fascination with cell phones. Yeah, totally gets me in the Pokémon spirit. Oh, it's Decide Time! It's time to make substantial decisions about my life and career. Oh, wait! Nevermind. It just literally wants me to tell the time.
I bet at this point you're all saying to yourselves, "Jon! What is this shit? Get it out of my face! This doesn't look anything like a Pokémon game!" Well, if that is what you were thinkin', you'd be right. It is in fact a Japanese cell phone themed RPG called Keitai Denju Telefang. Okay, now get this. It means Mobile Phone Beast...t...Telefang. goddammit, that was the word I wanted to know most. What in God's name is a Telefang? Listen, Japan, I know this was in the early 2000s, but I just can't see a series about monsters talking on telephones ever catching on. "Damn it! He's nothing!" Yeah, you could say that again.
Now, the next one is actually one of my favorite ones. It's called Pokémon Vietnamese Crystal. Yeah, that's actually what it's called.
Jacques: That's racist.
Jon: Now, you listen here, pip pip. A racist mind is a racist kind. Now you take that to sleep with you tonight because I know I'm not gonna change heart and mind in a day. You don't give a man a peanut expecting him to have a farm the next day. But, it's all right. It's all right. One day, we will all be equal on this earth. Until then, I'm going to give you a kiss, muffin.
This game is exactly as advertised. It's Pokémon Crystal for Game Boy Color but translated to Vietnamese and sold on the street as a bootleg. Oh, but that is not what sets this game apart from the rest. What makes this one so special is the bizarre translation. "Welcome! It's Elf's World...?" ELF'S WORLD?? Oh, man, the game is bringing the nostalgia right back! How could I forget the first time I ever met Professor Oak? Oh, oh excuse me, I'm sorry. How could I have been so rude? I meant to call him by his preferred name, Elf Monster. He literally demands that not just me, but everyone call him Elf Monster. I, I couldn't make this shit up. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried! I'm sad that I lack the talent to make this shit up!
"Elfs, here are called monster." Well, that's good to know. He looks happy enough about it. "They existed everywhere." Oh, that's terrible. What happened to them? "They play friendly help each other." "There are many secrets inside to know these riddles." Oh, philosophy wise, he's up there with the greats. Aristotle, Plato, Confucius, Meth-head down my street who forgot to speak English from too much meth. "Please check the time"? ... Well, it's about a quarter passed one, why'd you want me to do that? "How many minutes?" Uh, I don't know. There's about 60 of them in an hour. Are we talking days? Weeks? Years? Oh, okay. Looks like I gotta set the time. "Whataf 3hin time?" Well that's a fantastic question, I don't know myself.
Jon: Oh, I'm sorry. I mean, you don't gotta yell. I didn't know it meant so much to you. "Af 3h17 mbad!Sleep to late." Yeah, I think I'm gonna quit here. This game's starting to judge my lifestyle, naw, I don't need that. I made it past age 18, I paid my bills, I pay my taxes, I can sleep late if I fuckin' want to. Fuck you.
Let's get back to the real games here. Pokémon 4in1 on the NES. That's just so weird to me. A Pokémon game on console 10 years older than the original game. Who thought this was a good idea? Essentially, what we've got here is just a collection of mini-games based around Pokémon. 3 in which apparently revolve around pica - "the eating disorder which causes people to ingest inedible objects". Hey, speaking of food, Pikachu himself look like a fuckin' potato. Picaclick, Picaslot, Picadance, and p...p...Pacman? That one is just called fucking Pacman! OK! Hold on! No! That is the only game that had a "P" in it to begin with. They could've just easily called it Pikaman, as all the others are themed with "Pika". But, no. They just left it Pacman. Alright, I give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they didn't want the subtlety of their, uh, blatant theft to be lost on the masses.
Picaclick is just a game where you match blocks. I don't know what's going on with this one, I don't even know if you can lose. Click, click, click, fuckin' I don't give a shit. Picaslot is stupid, too. It's just a slot machine. Literally. It's just...luck. Press the button and watch it go! The only feedback you get from this game is the "Win" box on the right. Who would...who would p...who would play this? Who would, eh...d- Pacman! Oh, now this one's good. This one has some depth to it. Probably because it's Pacman. Literally, it's Pacman, and it changed the course of the gaming market 'cause it's ffffffffffffFUCKING PACMAN!
Picadance is great. Oh look, look at them go. Set to the song Butterfly by Smile.dk. Where are these Pokémon going to? I think I want to head up there with 'em. Oh, not to mention, every single high-score on this game is DDR, DDR, DDR,DDR, didn't bother to hide it! DDR! DIDN'T BOTHER TO HIDE IT! PACMAN! DDR! LOSE! LOSE! LOSE! LOSE! LOSE! LOSE!
Well, my work's done here! I'm gonna go get a goddamn glass of bootleg milk, calm my fff- goddamn nerves, feel like Geppetto in the goddamn Pinocchio musical.
(suddenly the Lavender Town music begins to play - a black cartridge with Pokémon on it flies into Jon's hand)
Jon: Wait a second, isn't this that version of Pokémon where the Pokémon actually die instead of faint? It had that version of Lavender Town that cause all those Japanese kids to get mysteriously ill. Oh...I should get rid of this. ... Well, maybe I'll just have... one play.
(Jon puts the game into his Super GameBoy, a Haunter appears on the screen and licks Jon into the game)
[JON, are you ready?]