Jon tries to give Jacques an intervention by showing him some anti drug games!
|Anti Drug Games|
|Date||September 24th 2014|
|Cast|| Jon, Jacques, Cinnamon (outro only)
Jon and Jacques look at some pictures on Jon's wall (portraits of the Beatles, albeit with Gordon Shumway replacing Ringo Starr), and Jon wonders if something looks off. A packet of seed falls to the ground, and Jon asks Jacques if he's been doing seed! Jon needs to get Jacques straight and discusses the war on drugs. There were many arcade games with the slogan "Winners don't do drugs" as well as the DARE campaign.
Jon discusses some of the anti drug commercials. In addition to the infamous "I learned it by watching you!" and "This is your brain on drugs" adverts, Jon takes note of the time Peewee Herman tried to warn kids about crack cocaine! Jacques still isn't convinced. Jon gets freaked out by a surgeon who is smoking weed on duty ("Here's a list of other things I wouldn't want him doing: anything but my fucking surgery!") and a humanoid snake monster offering drugs. Jacques sees the snake as one of his own, as he is "basically half reptile". Since Jacques still isn't convinced, Jon decides to show Jacques something he can understand. Video games.
Jon begins by talking about NARC. The narcotic officer names are Max Force and Hit Man! It's a shooter! Maybe they were resisting arrest? Cocaine is popular with the same guy that repeatedly appears! The antagonist is named Mr. Big, and he has a picture on the wall of himself labeled 'Me'! Mr. Big flies out of his wheelchair, and Jon gives it a 10.
Jon has to go to extreme measures, by playing Wally Bear and the No Gang. Jacques questions the logic of the game, as the art shows a bear skateboarding without protection. Jon states that this is besides the point, and that this is an intervention. The box is weird as it is unlicensed, and there is a button that says Press Here on it. Jon messes with the viewer by pretending it plays a voice clip. It doesn't actually do anything.
Jon discusses the other 'classic' games made by American Video Entertainment like Dudes with Attitude.
Jon looks at the title screen, and comments about the bear. The game starts with a anthropomorphic bear riding on a skateboard - but dogs are still dogs, and birds are still birds. This is one of those one hit and you're dead games! Each level is ridiculously long and difficult.
Jon finds a Frisbee or boomerang, and the player can finally kill the endless birds. This whole game is like an ice level, and it has platforming! Some levels can be skipped over easily with the boomerang, and it gives an extra hit. But losing it makes the game practically impossible. Jon is confused by the plot about a rat trying to make a turtle join his gang by taking some pills, but there is only a rabbit on the screen!
Another level, which looks exactly like the last one, and there are multiple subway connections to get to the destination. Jon complains about the dad not wearing pants again. This subway is a castle! There is a guy constantly dropping bombs out of his window! Couldn't Wally have picked a better part of town to do down?
Jon finds more plot, and finds another character he has no context for drinking, before a message appears saying that not even adults should drink and drive! Apparently, there are a lot of children who drink and drive! Jon finds Larry, and accidentally kills him!
Jon is confused by the existence of the snake cave and finds it impossible, as there are pitfalls everywhere. The game never explains anything, and Jon finds everything weird. Jon starts to rage at the out of place fortress level, and only one door is the way out. Another character warns not to take candy from strangers, but after what Jon has just been through, he would rather take the candy!
Jon finds what looks like a crack den. The windows are broken, and it looks abandoned, and the neighbor's building has been blown up. Jon reaches the uncle's house. There is a trophy on the wall, and the uncle isn't wearing pants either! The uncle says that Wally has bought a new friend, and Jon thinks that it is he who is the new friend. The ending is just one image.
[Text in brackets = text not spoken but shown on screen]
(Jon and Jacques are looking at some pictures on Jon's wall)
Jon: Jacques, you think something's like, something's off there? You missing something? Nah, you're right, it's probably okay.
(A packet of seed falls to the floor. Jon picks it up)
Jon: Jacques, what is this? Where'd you learn to do this? Have you been doing seed?
Jacques: Back off, old timer. This is cool stuff.
Jon: Jacques, come on, man. You're smarter than this. Winners don't do drugs, remember? Just like all the arcades in the 80's told us.
Jacques: When I'm high, I feel like a winner.
Jon: We gotta get you straight, Jacques. Scared straight.
(A clip of A&E's Beyond Scared Straight plays)
Man: You see this, Cole?! I'm gonna treat you like a bitch. You're gonna call my m-- (bleep) (indistinct) whenever i tell you.
Jon: Okay, maybe not that straight! (voiceover) The date is October 14th, 1982. Drugs are rampant in the streets of the United States. President Ronald Reagan declares them a threat to national security. The following decades will be shaked by these actions forever as the war on drugs continues to this very day. The message was clear.
(Old PSA plays)
Man: Remember, winners don't do drugs.
Jon: Remember when you'd play an arcade game back in the 80's and 90's? It would show you that screen before you played the game. Not to mention the numerous D.A.R.E. campaigns that would tour school to school.
(cuts back to reality)
Jon: I mean, truth be told, we didn't even give it much thought as kids. I mean, it was just so ingrained that our collective unconscious. I mean, drugs were such as problem in the 70's and 80's, by the time we were grown up, this was just accepted and expected. (voiceover) Anyone living back then will be able to recall for you the walth of PSA's on the topic, arranged from realistic to ludacris.
(Another PSA plays. A father is holding a cigarette carton in front of his son sitting on his bed)
Father: Who taught you how to do this stuff?
Son: You, all right?! I learned it by watching you.
Jon: That-- that never gets old. But that's not even scratching the surface. Have a look at this.
(Another PSA plays. Three surgeos are standing behind an operating table. The first surgeon smokes pot)
Surgeon: Now, what's wrong with you? Tonsillitis?
Surgeon: Yeah? (laughs)
Jon: Hey, you know what? I-I think you got a point there. It would be bad if my surgeon was smoking pot while operating on me. Here's a list of other things I wouldn't want them doing:
[ANYTHING ELSE BUT MY FUCKING SURGERY]
Surgeon: Now, let's see if I can still make a straight line.
(Surgeon puts on mask and holds up a scalpel while laughing. Jon laughs)
Jon: You're really a piece of shit, aren't you? And then, of course, there's the one that lives in infamy.
(Another PSA plays. A teacher picks up a pan with an egg cooking inside it)
Teacher: This is your brain on drugs. Any questions?
(cuts back to reality)
Jon: Yeah, I-- I think I got a few. So, you're telling me that my brain on drugs is a healthy, nutritious breakfast that helps my brain grow? Shit, I should do some drugs! (voiceover) How could the point not have been driven home? Even our celebrity idols were telling us that drugs were the spawn of Satan. It even got to the point when Hanna-Barbera and Peewee Herman were telling us to stay away.
(Another PSA plays. It shows Peewee Herman sitting in a chair facing a camera. He holds up a crack bottle)
Peewee Herman: This is crack.
Jon: You know, I'm just not sure how to deal with the emotions that come up after Peewee Herman tells me about crack rock cocaine. (stammers) This guy!
(Shows a clip of Peewee Herman dancing silly)
Jon: Just, just a ushered serious warning to me with that look in his eyes. (stammers) This is a sign of national emergency.
(cuts back to reality)
Jon: You see, Jacques? You're gonna find out one way or another. You've gotta get off this stuff. I mean, Peewee Herman himself was so upset, he went into a dirty porno theatre and jacked his weiner right off. Can you blame the man? He was feeling emotional. He had to go make his dick cry.
Jacques: I'm still not convinced.
(cuts back to yet another PSA commercial)
Snake: Hey, little dude. Send your Momma and Daddy out of the room.
Jon: Oh, I live by myself, thanks, I don't got- I don't have parents anymore.
Snake: You know who I am, Snake, dealing them Weed, Coke, Crack, your choice.
Jon: One of each please.
Snake: Take one hit, and you'll do anything a cop more, steal from your momma...
Jon: Hey man, Did you get bit by a mosquito or something? you don't look so good.